So I haven't really blogged much but that's because there really hasn't been anything to say until today. Today ended my Moms 2 week mini vacation down here and though I know she is coming back and moving here in September I still have so many tears rolling down my face. I am feeling in a total funk and even though it was crowded having her, my grandma and her two dogs here, the place now echos in emptiness.
Maddox took it hard and of course went back and forth with Mom for at least 10 minutes about how he wanted her to stay and if she couldn't stay he wanted to go with her. It ripped my heart out of my chest to see my little boy so upset that his Mimi once again had to leave him and drive 13 hours home. Reilly just cried but that's because he cannot speak much right now due to him only being 15 months old.
I owe my kids such an apology because today, I have not been a good mom. I myself have been very sad and dealing with the fact I am so far from my Mom and my Grandma. I hate it so much. I have been short tempered and have cried with every 5 minute cigg break I have taken.
Sometimes I feel like this sadness will get the best of me and the lonely feeling I have will not go away. Its hard to explain. Its hard to even show because I try to be so strong for the kids so I don't make it harder on them.
Family is such an important thing in our lives. And though sometimes family is not blood it is still family and a part of you. My Mom and Grandma are my blood and after so much resentment I have had and how much I always wanted to be on my own, there is nothing better then curling up in my Moms lap, even at the age of 24.
I hope that my kids feel that same way when they get older. We take so much for granted sometimes and we are not always kind to our family but, family is family and you don't turn your back on them or harden your heart, even if for some reason they do it to you.
I didn't have an ideal childhood. I moved around more than I can count and I went through things I probably never should of but it has shaped me into who I am.
Long story short, love with all your heart even more when its family. Sure you get mad and might speak out of anger and lose touch but, love is love and sometimes, that is all that matters and is more valuable than anything else.
