Rambling.

Love is something that hits when it wants, never when you really think it should come but more when it needs to. When you feel like nothing good can ever come from anything ever again, you could be most surprised by something that sweeps you off your feet and makes your whole world spin and when you land, you hope it is a long, perfect love.

Everyone thinks of love only ending with marriage and kids, and yes that is the way most love should end, but what if the person you are in love with never wants marriage and kids? Than your love can go in a different direction. Common law, and travels, adventures, all sorts of things.

Love for me was never really my strong game. I have fallen in love, I have had my heart shattered, I have moved on and fallen for the wrong guy multiple times. I have picked myself up and moved forward.

My last relationship was a complete flop, well minus bringing two amazing kids into the world. I have dealt with those demons and I have moved on, found a new love. And this love has been a new experience, eye opening. Has rocked my world to its core.

It has shown me what happiness can be, and that there is a true love out there. Now, will this love last? Its hard to say. No one knows the future and what it holds, but I figure if I can over come mental and physical abuse and still rise strong and love this new man with my whole heart, maybe the future wont be so bad.

My new guy is the complete opposite of the asshole I thought I loved. But at one point, every one of my ex's was what I needed at the time.
But I don't live in the past. I cant. If you keep looking behind you, either you will crash or you will miss something amazing and only see it in hindsight.

It has almost been a full year since this new love entered my life and showed me that not all guys are the same and gentlemen still are out there, but I dare not count my chicks before they hatch. I learned the lesson of not rushing into things. I learned the lesson of not wishing for everything, cause reality is, there are a lot of bumps in the road.
Now am I saying that this guy is going to shatter my heart or me shatter his? Hell no.
What I am saying is I am going to live and love every moment I possibly can. And who knows, maybe in another year, Ill still be blissfully in love and still with him.

Like I said, the future is uncertain but I can have hope. Hell, that is all I have left.
Hope is the one thing that keeps that sparkle and glimmer of that fairy tale that girls want.

Ugh, now I feel like I am rambling, but than again, I never said my posts made sense. They are more an outlet for me and myself.
I guess this has just been one of those moments where reflection has set in.

It has been a hell of a week. Some ups, a lot of downs. Little sleep and some nightmares on top of it.

How do you tell someone you are in love with them and worry almost everyday that it will be the last day? I have learned that death and life both have a way of ruining things. How I have a way of ruining things.

Nothing is guaranteed. Hell, my mom lost the love of her life.
Im a 26 year old single mother.
My grandmother divorced her husband.
My family really doesn't have a good track record. Which begs the question, am I cursed?

Will my boys be cursed?

Ugh. Now Im just getting carried away.
All Im saying is it is hard not worry when relationships can go 1 of 2 ways.
Either you break up, cry, only have memories and eventually move on to possibly suffer the same thing...
Or, you could stay with this person and have the best love you have ever known in your life.


Well, there is your daily dose of my ramblings.

Thankful.

So many times I have sat and thought about what I am thankful for. 

Thankful. 

What a word. 

Let me start by saying I am thankful for more than words could ever express. My mother. My grandmother. My kids. My godmother. My second family. My dogs. My father. My life experiences. My fishy. 

Let's start with my mother, things haven't always been smooth sailing for us but not a day goes by that I am not thankful for her. She has helped me raise my kids. She has stuck by my side and got me out of some pretty crazy situations. Not to mention she moved 1465 miles to be with us. I love her. 

My grandmother. That woman not only helped to raise me but is now helping to raise my boys and again another person that had moved to help me in this journey called life. 

My godmother. A mother that has loved me and stayed so close to my life. A woman that doesn't care if I vent and always tells me to never waste my time. 

My father. The dearest man I have ever known. The man who has taught me so many things and the man I don't go a day without mourning. I miss him so much but his words always stay with me. 

My second family. Shit. Where do I even begin? Do I name the names? No. Cause they know exactly who they are and how much they mean to me. They have been the family I got to choose and who still choose me. 

My dogs. I know. Sounds weird but I love my dogs. They show unconditional love and are there even in the strongest of silent moments. 

My life experiences. Child birth. Heart break. Healing of my heart. Traveling. Moving. Everything that has made me who I am today. 

My kids. My heart walking outside my body. The little tyrants that drive me nuts but I could never love them any less. They have given me a purpose and a reason to live and to fight and be a better person everyday. They give me such an over whelming love and such hope for the future. They make me see such an opportunity to teach them but also be there for when they fail. To kiss ouchies and to mend broken hearts. To listen to them and cheer them on. I can't wait for the future with these two wonderful men. 

And now, finally, my fish. Haha. He isn't an actual fish. He is an amazing man that I have had the privilege to meet. He has come into my life and I cannot be happier. He has shown me a love that is so true and has shown me a happiness I never thought possible. He has not only given me his heart but has brought me into a whole new bridge of a second family that I am thankful for. He has came into my children's life and is showing them what a gentleman is. He accepts me for me and understands dating a single mom is a big deal and comes with a lot of strings and it doesn't bother him. He can make me laugh when j don't want to smile. He knows me pretty darn well and he is actually okay with the fact I am not a morning person and that I don't always get dressed up. 

Thankful doesn't begin to explain what I feel. Blessed doesn't describe it either. Lucky doesn't either. I don't know what I am but all I know is I am very happy with life and where it is going and everything I have in it. 

Impact

You ever just click with someone? Like you just can look at them and be like "damn I just really love you and the way you have impacted my life"

I have. 3 separate times now.
The first two were when I laid eyes on my children and knew life would never be the same. That I would always think twice about every decision I have made. Always thinking about what would be best for them and what would lead them on a path to be gentleman and be kind and inspire them not only to strive for the best they can be but to be successful in an everyday every way type thing.

And now this third time, it has just kind of hit me out of nowhere. Wasn't really looking for it but it found me. It found me, saw my darkest parts and flaws but still has the courage to love me and be a part of my life and slowly is becoming a part of my children's life and a part of my family. I'm not jumping or rushing and for once it's very nice to have someone with similar ambitions in life, who enjoys the same things I do, who pushes me to stop worrying, who embraces who I am and doesn't try to change me.

It's true what they say. Don't chase love. Let it find you.

Life

Life has been crazy and emotional.

Maddox just graduated preschool. Reilly is growing everyday and learning new things.
We moved into a new house. Im starting work on my daily driver.
And I have a new man in my life. Along with new adventures.

Things are moving at a slower speed but just the right speed.
Summer is upon us, and the possibilities this year for summer are amazing.

"I fell in love with him, like you fall asleep. Slow at first, than all of a sudden"

Life is complicated.

So, it has been a while since I have even accessed this blog.

Life has been a whirlwind to say the least.

Choices have been made and everything has changed.
I don't really like to post much on my personal life, just cause its not really meant to be public information. The choices I make are mine alone, and those that matter most to me, know those choices and have stuck by me and been an anchor to help keep me grounded even when I didn't think I could stay grounded.

But I will say this, being a young mother has taught me a few things. I have always wanted to have that "big girl" job and make steady money but sometimes, to be a better mother, you need to sacrifice what you think you want for what you need.
Sure ADT was a great job, but not one that fit what I needed, what my kids needed. My kids need their mother home with them during the day, and if that means, I go into the server lifestyle, than that's what I will do until both boys are steady in school. And so far, it has been very rewarding. I get to stay home with my boys till 4pm everyday, which means I get my cuddle time in the morning, get to make them both breakfast and lunch and I get to watch cartoons and play with them. Time with them is something that no amount of money could ever make me give up.

But its not even that, to keep my sanity I have learned to balance not only being a kick ass mother but also, still be able to be 25.
I have been able to have a social life, but still answer the call of my responsibilities of being a mother the next day. So after work, I now get to go out and be me, with the people that matter to me as well.


Life has a way of working itself out, and sometimes, the people you least expect to, show you the greatest lessons in life.