1 year later ...

So, it has been a while since I have posted.
Words have truly escaped me for the last little bit.

1 year and 10 days ago the one thing I never thought would happen, happened...
My children were taken from me, and finally, in 2 days I will have my day in court. I will have the ability to finally have my voice heard as well as my side.


" ... 6.  Myth: Capable, 'Fit' Parents Do Not Lose Custody
Fact: Good parents do sometimes lose custody. It is unfortunate, but true. The legal process is far from perfect, and judges often have to choose between two fit, capable parents when deciding child custody. ... "

It is an article I have read and read over and over.
This stays in my mind.

Because you know what? I am a "fit" mother.
I am a good mother.
I have been with my children since day one. I know everything there is to know about them, and most importantly - Their Needs Come Before My Own Desires and Their Needs Come Before My Needs.

I cannot wait to finally tell the judge this. I cannot wait to sit there and speak to this judge.

Speak to the judge about their routine they have with me, their schooling, the extra help, the bond, the love, just everything. I cannot wait to sit before her and hopefully have this dreaded nightmare come to an end.

Positive thoughts.
That's what I keep telling myself.
Positive thoughts.

Well Now..

So I laid down a pretty heavy blog earlier this week
And I just want to say that I had it written for a little but I just could never publish it until I did on Tuesday.

My point of posting what is going on is because I have been receiving questions of "why don't you have your boys?"
"Whats going on?!"
"Are you okay..."

But at the same time there has been a lot of gossip being said that I freely gave them up, or that they are actually still home with me and I am doing this to get attention.

So I am here to say this...

NO. I am NOT doing this for attention.
NO. My kids are NOT at home.
YES. My ex found some crazy loop holes and was able to tell a GREAT story and have them taken away from me.
YES. My boyfriend was present when they were taken from me.
WHY? He was there because we were getting ready to take the kids out for the day and have a great day.
NO. I am not unfit to be a mother.
YES. I love my kids.
YES. This shit does happen to good mothers. More often than anyone ever knows or hears about.

In our society it has been over looked that women lose custody over their children for bullshit reasons and sometimes revenge plots against them from ex's.

Is it a normal thing? No. But it does happen, and the women that this does happen to are not bad mothers. Sometimes there is just ways of going through loop holes or greasing the right palms to get this done.

Now am I saying every mother that has ever lost her kids been a good mother and put through hell for no reason?

No. I know that there are bad mothers that deserve to lose their children but I am not one of them.

And a lot of women that have heard what has happened to me have come forwarded and talked to me about their own experiences as well.

Also, let me just say, some people shouldn't judge a mother on what she posts on social media.

I have flooded Facebook with pictures of my kids, but in actually opening my eyes to what a world we are living in, I, myself, personally have decided to refrain from flooding social media with pictures of my kids, or updates of what I am doing with my kids.

There are seriously sick people out there that love to see pictures of children.

There are also crazy people who like to stalk and find out every detail.

Not just for their own sick pleasure but to also assist in kidnapping children by finding out their likes and hobbies.

Mothers, women, girls, the whole human race needs to learn that if we stop negatively picking apart people on what they do, how they parent and everything along those lines the world would be in much better shape than what it is now.

The whole reason I blog is to let my inner thoughts come out.

The whole reason I have blogged about what has happened to me is to open the eyes of some very closed minded people or people who live in a fantasy world.

This is life. This is growing up This is truth.

BAD SHIT HAPPENS TO GOOD PEOPLE.

So either stand in support or sit the fuck down and shut your fucking pie hole.

Once Upon A Time...

So, I am going to tell you all a little story.
Some know this story to be true, others may be hearing it for the first time, and some may never believe it for a few reasons, but I swear to you, this shit is to crazy to make up.

First and for most, I guess Ill start with a back story -

Once Upon A Time ...
there was this girl...
And she met a guy, who didn't exactly have his life put together and they quickly rushed into a relationship.
This guy was in the middle of a divorce and already had a child.
This girl and this guy get together, and they are together for not such a long time before the girl gets pregnant.
(I know, it always happens!)
This girl gave birth to the most handsome little boy alive.
She gave him a name to reflect strength, strong will, and wisdom.
The girl left her job, stayed at home with this little boy and taught him things and loved him so deeply.
But deep down inside, the girl was hiding a terrible secret.
The girl realized the guy was someone completely different now that they had this child together, and they would constantly fight, and the guy would always blame everything on her and make her feel worthless.
It soon got worse and the guy would throw her around, choke her, push her against walls, all the while why the handsome child was in the house, sometimes asleep, sometimes awake.
Now the girls mother knew something was wrong but the girl would never admit it, never say it out loud because what if it really was her fault? What if people called her stupid for not leaving?
She was already being called stupid, fat, ugly, worthless and so many other things by the guy.
The girl slowly started to work up the courage to say enough is enough and leave, but the guy wouldn't let her. He kept threatening to end his own life, after ending hers and the handsome childs life.
What was she to do?
She played her role and soon enough the girl in playing her role became pregnant again.
(Don't judge! Hear the rest of the story)
The girl gave birth to another handsome child.
She gave this one the name of her father.
Things stayed the same.
Day in and day out the girl would stay with her handsome sons and nurture them.
The day came when finally the girl knew she had to get away, things were becoming to toxic and to horrible, and she couldn't have her handsome little boys see this suffering. .
The girl called her mother, the girls mother and grandmother came down to where she was and became a united force to not just help raise the children but to help the girl become herself again.
The guy did not like this.
The guy did not want this.

Soon the girl released herself from the rips of him, but still allowed him to be apart of the children's lives, because she knew that no matter what, they needed their father. The guy was never physical with them so the girl didn't fear to much though she was still questioning his temper around the children.

The girl slowly became herself again, working, being a mother, a daughter, a granddaughter and finally having a life again.
She had spent so many years under the guys finger. Unable to have friends, be able to go out anywhere. She was so controlled and broken down.
The girls family and friends quickly saw her change back into herself.
The children were happy, she was happy.

The guy started to grow more distant, become more sneaky.
One day the girl, after work since her children were asleep decided to go and see her friends.
The guy stalked her! Followed her to the friends house!
Left a note on her car saying "Caught You" ...
(creepy I know...)
She didn't understand why he was doing this.

In the weeks prior, she had started talking to a new guy. A guy full of light.
(I guess we will call him the girls prince? or is that to gushy? oh well...)

The girl and the prince were taking things slow, very slow actually.
They would hang out on occasion and every once in a while talk on the phone.
The prince understood the girl had children and commitments.
The prince did not mind.

The guy got wind of the girl and the prince.
The guy did not like it.
(hence why the stalking started...stupid control freak)

When the guy confronted the girl about it, the girl stood strong and said it was none of his business. That the only connection they still had was the children and that was it. Nothing more.


Time passed on as it does, and slowly the girl and the prince became more serious.
The girl talked with her mother and grandmother about the prince meeting her children. They agreed enough time had passed and as long as it was in a public setting for the first time, they saw no issue in it.
Well the guy caught wind of this and did not like it, though he did not say anything, you could see the rage building. The rage the girl knew all to well.
The prince meet the children and the children were excited! They immediately loved hanging out with the prince. How could they not? The prince took them to do outdoors type thins. Would help with puzzles and legos. Would play games with them. Would sit and be calm with them.

The guy did not like this.
He did not like it at all.

The guy started demanding that he take the kids with him on weekends to another house.
The girl agreed it would be fine.
That was their father how could she argue?
She couldn't.

After a while, the girl started to catch the guy in lies about where he and the children were. She demanded it stopped. That if he would just be honest with her, she wouldn't get mad.

Than after a while the guy stopped coming around.
He didn't call.
He didn't come over.
He wouldn't answer his childrens phone calls.

Soon he became a memory to the children, pushed in the back of their minds.
The children were to busy to really worry.
The oldest was in school excelling and achieving greatness, while the youngest was soon to be on the same path. The children would be with the prince and the girl on weekends. They would fish, bbq, watch movie, build forts!
The prince wasn't trying to replace the guy, but it happened. The children love the prince.
And its safe to say the prince loves the children.

Everything was harmonious. Moving peacefully.
Months had past since the guy had called.
The girl wondered if he had ended his life like he so often threatened but than shook her head. He wouldn't do that, he is to egotistical for that. She also wondered if maybe he had moved?
All questions she really didn't want or need the answers for.
After all, why would she force the guy to be in the childrens life when he found it so easy to walk out?

Time passed a little longer, and soon came time for the girl and her family to move to a new house.
This house was so much better. So much more room.
So without taking a moment to think, the family moved in 1 day!
Every body was there to help.
Friends of both the girl and the mother. And of course prince was there too.
He had become part of the family without anyone realizing it.
Still the girl and the prince did not rush things and decided to still NOT live together.
The time was not right.

About a two months had passed after moving into the new house there came a strange knock on the door...
It was 10:30AM ...
Who on Earth could it be thought the girl.
Mother had already gone to work. Grandma was in the kitchen.
Prince had just arrived to help get the kids together to have another day of fishing and adventure.

Without thinking, the girl answer the door...

To her surprise stood four sheriffs, and two state workers.
The girl asked, "How can I help you today officers?"
and that's when her world dropped and exploded....

"We are here for the children"
...
"What? I'm sorry you must have the wrong house.."
...
"No we don't. This is a warrant stating that you must give over the two minor children"
....
....
"How can there be a warrant to remove my own children from my custody?"
...
"You didn't show up for court, so this has been signed to have them removed and given to their father"
...
"WHAT COURT DATE?!"
...
"The court date on June 1st. You were served the paper work"
...
"No I wasn't! I didn't even know there was a court date! I never got served! Please do not take my children. This has to be a mistake! I am a good mother!"
...
"Please get the children or we will do it forcefully"

And during all this a thought ran through the girls head...
One man could lie and say he gave the girl a piece of paper and get away with it?! Where was the proof?! Where was this supposed man who served her the paper? Why would he lie?! Why would he help to take her children away?! Or was he just a pawn of the guy ...
Would the guy really go this low even though he is the one who walked away from his children? Was this his revenge for the girl no longer being under his control?

The girl didn't know what to do. She froze. Did she run with the children? How could she? The house was surrounded. She fell silent and lowered her head, fighting back tears for as long as she could getting the children together, not even being allowed enough time to pack them any of their belongings. She didn't know how long they would be gone. What if her youngest needed his special blanket? What if her oldest didn't have his medicine?

The girl lost it. In trying to be strong for her kids, even with them screaming and crying begging to know what they did wrong to be taken away from her, all the girl could manage to say was "I am coming for you. You will be home soon. Be strong! Protect each other! I LOVE YOU"
And just like that, the kids were taken.
Taken by the last people she ever thought would come knocking at her door.
And down the street, sitting in his car, the guy looked on probably laughing at the girl. But who could tell...his windows are tinted as black as his soul.
The prince watched as the cars took the children away and watching as the guys car followed them out of the area.

The girl stood silent for a minute, than came the storm, the anger, the rage, the heartbreak.
She could of torn the house apart with her own two hands at that point but she didn't.
Instead she wept, and wept.
She told her mother what happened and her mother wept.
Grandmother wept.
The prince wept.

The handsome children were stolen away.

The girl finally pulled together by mother and the prince went and spoke to her own fighter. The one that would help her get the kids back.
(The fighter is the lawyer ...lame I know but its all I could think of)
The fight did not mince words. The fighter let it be known it would be a battle.
At first, the girl was not allowed any contact with the children, for the warrant wasn't just to remove the children from her care but also a restraining order to completely keep her from the children.

The fighter won a small battle and now the girl can see and speak with her children and the girl is satisfied with that for right now, but a piece of her is continually ripped away when she must send her children back to the guy...
But the war is not over yet.
And the girl will never stop fighting until her children are HOME and in her care once again.



------------------------------------------------------------------


Crazy story right?
Well its true.
Know how I know its true?
This is just a SMALL, a TINY look into my story.
Into my personal hell that I am currently going through.


Most ask me, why would the courts take them from you?
And I don't even know how to answer, because by reason and truth and facts, they shouldn't of.
I am a good mother. I am a great mother.
My children are my world.

But I guess all you need is someone who is willing to do anything for revenge.
Or have someone who is willing to lie about a legal process.
Or just have blind stupid luck with the hopes that the truth never comes out.


I am in a constant battle with my ex.
And I don't know when it will end.
I don't know how it will end.

All I can hope for is that the truth will come out. That my children will be returned to me.
I Will Never Stop Fighting For My Children To Come Home.


I love you my beautiful boys.
You will be home soon.
Mama is not giving up! Ever.

Rambling.

Love is something that hits when it wants, never when you really think it should come but more when it needs to. When you feel like nothing good can ever come from anything ever again, you could be most surprised by something that sweeps you off your feet and makes your whole world spin and when you land, you hope it is a long, perfect love.

Everyone thinks of love only ending with marriage and kids, and yes that is the way most love should end, but what if the person you are in love with never wants marriage and kids? Than your love can go in a different direction. Common law, and travels, adventures, all sorts of things.

Love for me was never really my strong game. I have fallen in love, I have had my heart shattered, I have moved on and fallen for the wrong guy multiple times. I have picked myself up and moved forward.

My last relationship was a complete flop, well minus bringing two amazing kids into the world. I have dealt with those demons and I have moved on, found a new love. And this love has been a new experience, eye opening. Has rocked my world to its core.

It has shown me what happiness can be, and that there is a true love out there. Now, will this love last? Its hard to say. No one knows the future and what it holds, but I figure if I can over come mental and physical abuse and still rise strong and love this new man with my whole heart, maybe the future wont be so bad.

My new guy is the complete opposite of the asshole I thought I loved. But at one point, every one of my ex's was what I needed at the time.
But I don't live in the past. I cant. If you keep looking behind you, either you will crash or you will miss something amazing and only see it in hindsight.

It has almost been a full year since this new love entered my life and showed me that not all guys are the same and gentlemen still are out there, but I dare not count my chicks before they hatch. I learned the lesson of not rushing into things. I learned the lesson of not wishing for everything, cause reality is, there are a lot of bumps in the road.
Now am I saying that this guy is going to shatter my heart or me shatter his? Hell no.
What I am saying is I am going to live and love every moment I possibly can. And who knows, maybe in another year, Ill still be blissfully in love and still with him.

Like I said, the future is uncertain but I can have hope. Hell, that is all I have left.
Hope is the one thing that keeps that sparkle and glimmer of that fairy tale that girls want.

Ugh, now I feel like I am rambling, but than again, I never said my posts made sense. They are more an outlet for me and myself.
I guess this has just been one of those moments where reflection has set in.

It has been a hell of a week. Some ups, a lot of downs. Little sleep and some nightmares on top of it.

How do you tell someone you are in love with them and worry almost everyday that it will be the last day? I have learned that death and life both have a way of ruining things. How I have a way of ruining things.

Nothing is guaranteed. Hell, my mom lost the love of her life.
Im a 26 year old single mother.
My grandmother divorced her husband.
My family really doesn't have a good track record. Which begs the question, am I cursed?

Will my boys be cursed?

Ugh. Now Im just getting carried away.
All Im saying is it is hard not worry when relationships can go 1 of 2 ways.
Either you break up, cry, only have memories and eventually move on to possibly suffer the same thing...
Or, you could stay with this person and have the best love you have ever known in your life.


Well, there is your daily dose of my ramblings.

Thankful.

So many times I have sat and thought about what I am thankful for. 

Thankful. 

What a word. 

Let me start by saying I am thankful for more than words could ever express. My mother. My grandmother. My kids. My godmother. My second family. My dogs. My father. My life experiences. My fishy. 

Let's start with my mother, things haven't always been smooth sailing for us but not a day goes by that I am not thankful for her. She has helped me raise my kids. She has stuck by my side and got me out of some pretty crazy situations. Not to mention she moved 1465 miles to be with us. I love her. 

My grandmother. That woman not only helped to raise me but is now helping to raise my boys and again another person that had moved to help me in this journey called life. 

My godmother. A mother that has loved me and stayed so close to my life. A woman that doesn't care if I vent and always tells me to never waste my time. 

My father. The dearest man I have ever known. The man who has taught me so many things and the man I don't go a day without mourning. I miss him so much but his words always stay with me. 

My second family. Shit. Where do I even begin? Do I name the names? No. Cause they know exactly who they are and how much they mean to me. They have been the family I got to choose and who still choose me. 

My dogs. I know. Sounds weird but I love my dogs. They show unconditional love and are there even in the strongest of silent moments. 

My life experiences. Child birth. Heart break. Healing of my heart. Traveling. Moving. Everything that has made me who I am today. 

My kids. My heart walking outside my body. The little tyrants that drive me nuts but I could never love them any less. They have given me a purpose and a reason to live and to fight and be a better person everyday. They give me such an over whelming love and such hope for the future. They make me see such an opportunity to teach them but also be there for when they fail. To kiss ouchies and to mend broken hearts. To listen to them and cheer them on. I can't wait for the future with these two wonderful men. 

And now, finally, my fish. Haha. He isn't an actual fish. He is an amazing man that I have had the privilege to meet. He has come into my life and I cannot be happier. He has shown me a love that is so true and has shown me a happiness I never thought possible. He has not only given me his heart but has brought me into a whole new bridge of a second family that I am thankful for. He has came into my children's life and is showing them what a gentleman is. He accepts me for me and understands dating a single mom is a big deal and comes with a lot of strings and it doesn't bother him. He can make me laugh when j don't want to smile. He knows me pretty darn well and he is actually okay with the fact I am not a morning person and that I don't always get dressed up. 

Thankful doesn't begin to explain what I feel. Blessed doesn't describe it either. Lucky doesn't either. I don't know what I am but all I know is I am very happy with life and where it is going and everything I have in it. 

Impact

You ever just click with someone? Like you just can look at them and be like "damn I just really love you and the way you have impacted my life"

I have. 3 separate times now.
The first two were when I laid eyes on my children and knew life would never be the same. That I would always think twice about every decision I have made. Always thinking about what would be best for them and what would lead them on a path to be gentleman and be kind and inspire them not only to strive for the best they can be but to be successful in an everyday every way type thing.

And now this third time, it has just kind of hit me out of nowhere. Wasn't really looking for it but it found me. It found me, saw my darkest parts and flaws but still has the courage to love me and be a part of my life and slowly is becoming a part of my children's life and a part of my family. I'm not jumping or rushing and for once it's very nice to have someone with similar ambitions in life, who enjoys the same things I do, who pushes me to stop worrying, who embraces who I am and doesn't try to change me.

It's true what they say. Don't chase love. Let it find you.

Life

Life has been crazy and emotional.

Maddox just graduated preschool. Reilly is growing everyday and learning new things.
We moved into a new house. Im starting work on my daily driver.
And I have a new man in my life. Along with new adventures.

Things are moving at a slower speed but just the right speed.
Summer is upon us, and the possibilities this year for summer are amazing.

"I fell in love with him, like you fall asleep. Slow at first, than all of a sudden"